Sunday, April 13, 2014

Is It A Disgrace To Serve My Husband In Love?


Making your home sing Mondays


Welcome to the Making Your Home Sing Monday linky party!  Every day you are doing something to make your house into a home for yourself and your family (if you have one). 

My point with each Monday post is, what are YOU doing or going to do today to make your home sing?  It can be an attitude or an action. So have fun, do some blog hopping, and link up!  Thanks!


Topics can include marriage, parenting, encouraging women, organization, cleaning, saving money, our behavior and attitudes, homemaking, homeschooling, recipes.....the opportunities are endless.


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On the left sidebar (down towards the bottom) is the "Making Your Home Sing! Monday" button which I'd love for you to grab and paste into your post!  It is a "no-follow" button.

Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Recently, a reader made a comment on an older post on my blog and said that my blog was a "disgrace to women." She said this in response to a post I did, in which I talked about what to do when you have a husband who WILL NOT pick up after himself.

If you've asked your husband over and over to pick up after himself and he won't do it, you basically have two choices: ignore it or pick it up yourself, right?

In the post, I said: "You can't MAKE him pick up his socks.  But you can choose to ignore it and hope that they find their way into the laundry "magically" by themselves. Or you can pick them up FOR him and see it as an act of love and service.


Is it fair?  No, maybe not, but does that really matter?  Life is not fair, so let's stop keeping score.  What matters is that sometimes we have to compromise in marriage. Sometimes you compromise, and sometimes he does.  What matters is the marriage, not who picks up the socks.


I would rather choose to be happy rather than stress or ruin my marriage day after day by continuing to get angry over a pair of socks.

I would rather serve my husband in love rather than bring tension into my marriage.  Instead of making it into a battle I want to turn it into a blessing.

The reader, obviously, didn't agree.  I deleted her comment (and my response) in order to protect her privacy when I decided to respond to this on my blog.  But here is what she said in her own words:

"So your solution is just to completely ignore the problem and act like your husbands mother, whom obviously didn't discipline him well enough to clean up after himself like a grown adult. This day in age, woman should be empowered, not just told to treat grown men like babies and be happy about it just to avoid confrontation. This blog is a disgrace to women.

I responded to her comment with the following:

Since when is it a disgrace to women to love my husband? 

Since when is it a disgrace to women to choose to build my marriage rather than tear it down with my own hands?

Since when is it a disgrace to women to serve my husband in love rather than serve myself?

There are times when my husband does not pick up after himself. He either gets busy, forgets, or has other priorities.


I have asked him over the years and you know what? He's not perfect. He picks up after himself really well on some days, but there are many days when he does not.

I refuse to ruin my marriage over it. And if choosing to bless my husband and bless my marriage by picking up a pair of socks or shoes and putting them away means I am a "disgrace to women." So be it! 

But it's not a disgrace to women, just a difference of opinion! That's the beauty of being a woman - we don't all have to be the same.

Not ignoring the problem but it is not OUR job to raise our husbands. We are their wives, not their moms.

So, I choose to make it a blessing instead of a battle. If a hubby has been asked over and over to pick up after himself and won't do it, what are the choices? Keep fighting and add tension to the marriage or choose to bless him instead?

As mentioned in the post, I assume the woman has already asked her husband to pick up after himself. But if he doesn't she can continue to nag him, get angry with him, and make her marriage miserable. Or she can choose to pick it up for him in love.

She can choose to make it a battle or a blessing. I think a blessing would be a better choice but if some would rather make it a battle that IS their choice. I just don't think it's worth straining or ruining my marriage over!


I stand by what I said in my blog post.

If our husbands do not pick up after themselves, what choices do we really have?

We can tell them over and over until we are blue in the face that we want them to keep things picked up.  We can become more and more annoyed every time we see something left out until we explode in anger.

We can beg them over and over.  We can remind them over and over.  We can cry the ugly cry.  But we can't MAKE them do it.

I assume that you've already asked your husband over and over to pick up after himself, and he either won't or does really well for a day or two and then consistently forgets.

So unless we're willing to have a knock down drag out fight every day, ultimately, we have two choices: make it a battle or a blessing.

We can make it a battle and fight with them, give them the cold shoulder, refuse to talk to them, withhold affection, nag them until they do it, and place a stress or strain on our marriage.  Sure, they'll probably do it to shut us up, but at what cost to our marriage?

Or we can make it a blessing and pick it up ourselves (or let it go).

I don't happen to think that telling you to nag your husband and fight him every day is empowering you.

I would rather empower you with the knowledge that when you serve your husband in love, you are serving the Lord.  Let me tell you, that is POWER.

The power to build your marriage, rather than tear it down.  The power to serve someone in love rather than serve yourself.

The power to see change.  Change in your marriage.  Change in your man.  Change in YOU.

Image courtesy of Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Because love changes things.  Criticism may change something for awhile, but love changes things forever.

My husband may not pick up after himself as often as I'd like, but I don't choose to dwell on that.  I choose to dwell on the fact that he is always willing to go to the store for me and pick something up that I forgot.  Even if it's 10:30 at night.

I choose to dwell on the fact that he always makes the bed if I get up first.  I choose to dwell on the fact that he overlooks the annoying things that I do.

I choose to dwell on the fact that he loves the Lord, is kind, loving, caring, forgiving, a wonderful provider and an awesome husband and father.  These things trump newspapers and socks lying around any day.

I choose to build my marriage by loving and serving my man, just as he loves and serves me.  There is nothing more empowering than that.

What are you doing or going to do today to make your home sing? Please go here for instructions and/or ideas and come back here to link up to join us today! 



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45 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. You're welcome and thank YOU! It wouldn't be possible without all of you linking up every week and making a real party out of it!

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  2. When I start to feel annoyed, I try to ask myself, "will this matter in 5 years, 1 year, 1 week?" The answer is no.
    How many widows or widowers would willingly pick up after or put up with annoying habits in their late spouses today?

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    1. I love how you look at that over the passage of time. And you are so right! I know a couple of women who have lost their husbands (one at the young age of 24) and yes, they would be thrilled to have their husbands leave stuff lying around. Perspective! :)

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  3. I love this post. You're right we need to pick our battles better. There are just some things that are not going to make a hill of beans in the long run. I'd hate to throw away a hard working, loyal, dedicated, and loving man away over socks left on the darn floor. If I did that, I am confident I'd be crying over missing those socks if our relationship fell apart.

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    1. Thank you, my friend! I love how you put it and I agree. I, too, would hate to throw away my marriage over a newspaper lying around or socks on the floor!

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  4. I remember early in my marriage that I would get upset about small things like socks not being picked up or turned right-side out--another of my pet peeves! But then God reminded me of all the many tasks my husband does for me that I would dread doing! It often is a matter of gratitude (or grace) and balance in marriage. Both are important to a harmonious home, but gratitude and grace trumps balance especially when it becomes a point of contention in the relationship. Thanks for hosting, Nan! And blessings to you!

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    1. "Gratitude and grace trumps balance....." Love it! My husband is the same, he does so many things for me that I dread doing (like I really HATE putting gas in my car, lol!) brings me little surprises home and tries to generally make my life easier!

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  5. Hi Nan, this post made me smile ;) When I married The Sweetheart, 35 years ago this July, he was a real slob! His mother never made him doing anything in the house and his room was a disaster. I was raised the exact opposite so we could have clashed...Big Time. But I was just like you, I was NOT his mother and it was too late to change his habits so I did what I thought would be best...pick up after him. While we were raising My Three Sons I was blessed to be a SAHM so I considered it MY JOB to keep the house and take care of him...he was doing such a wonderful job of taking care of us! Now, with the boys all out of the house, and me struggling with severe SI joint issues...guess who is the neat one in the family?? The Sweetheart! So love and patience goes a long, long way. Thank you for having the nerve to post this. I am standing with you.

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    1. Oh I love how you've nicknamed your husband! So sweet. Looks like you came full circle, lol!

      My hubby has certain areas that he generally excels in (like bringing his dishes to the sink, making the bed, etc.) but he has certain things that are his downfall and sometimes he just forgets and leaves certain things out.

      He doesn't do it because he doesn't care or doesn't love me. It's just not how he is wired. But he has really improved over the years! ;)

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  6. Some days I get annoyed, some days I just do the picking up after him. So I'm with you on this - a good marriage is far too important.

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    1. Oh yes, I think we all have days where we get annoyed. And I think we all have days where we will gently remind them and encourage them. And then we have days where we go to pick something up and it's gone! ;)

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  7. We've been married for 35 years (like Nannette) and I have been picking up my husband's dirty clothes all those years. I worked for the first 10 years and 5 of those years was during the night so I could be home with the children. So, it didn't make any difference to me if I worked outside the home or not, I picked them up as he didn't.

    One day, I swapped a chair we had in our bedroom with the hamper thinking he would put the clothes into it. After all, the hamper was now where the chair was. Instead, he walked to where the chair now was and (with tongue-in-his-cheek) put them on the chair. I GOT it!! I got RID of the hamper and have never had one since!!

    My husband went to boarding school, so I could blame it on that...so I taught my boys to pick up after themselves. They did. Until they turned around 16 or 17. I realized that they were young men who needed me to stop mothering them. I think that is the same with our husbands. If we nag and bother them about petty things like that we start mothering and smothering them. What I needed to learn was to lay down my rights and have a servant heart and be more Christlike. Over the years this has spoken volumes to my husband and his love grows deeper for me which is so precious.

    Great post, Nan. Thanks for hosting :-)

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    1. I taught my boys to do it too! Our oldest slacked off when he went to college and then came back home with some bad habits, lol! But his wife is an immaculate housekeeper so she's got him back in the habit of picking up, lol!

      Had to laugh at your hamper story, too cute! My hubby always puts his clothes in the hamper, which I appreciate. My youngest used to put his clothes on TOP of the hamper lid and I was like......seriously? But now he puts them in, haha!

      Love what you said about the servant heart and how your love has grown! So sweet. And yes, that servant heart and Christlike attitude is appreciated and will be a blessing to our husbands and family.

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  8. Right on!! Thanks so much for sharing your heart. :)

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    1. So glad you stopped by and left a comment! Always a pleasure to hear from you, my friend!

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  9. Nan....I love my husband more than enough to serve him in any way I can and not because I have to but because I WANT to. It's loving him with a Christ-like love: selfless. I loved this in your post: "when you serve your husband in love, you are serving the Lord." Amen! " For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve." You handle the issue with grace and gave a excellent response. Thank you for the link up this week dear friend. Blessings.

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    1. Love your "not because I have to but because I WANT to" comment! Yes, that is how the Lord wants us to love. His working in us makes us WANT to bless our husbands. Thank you for your sweet encouragement today, my friend!

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  10. Nan, I'm sorry this confrontation happened for you. I agree with you. Picking your battles is huge for peace in the home, let alone love in your marriage. On this issues that I deem really big for me I typically sit down with my husband and tell him--I know this sounds silly and you probably won't understand why, but this is a really big deal to me. Can you please try to help me with it? That has helped him see that I am looking for his help...not just finding a new subject to nag about so he's much more receptive. The things that aren't a big deal though? Overlook them and count them as service to the Lord in love and obedience. That may not be easy, but it is easier when I see those areas that we've talked about getting attention from him.

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    1. Thank you, my friend! Yes, I agree. There are certain things that my husband knows that I consider "very important" and even though they might seem like no big deal to him, he tries really hard to remember to please me, because he loves me.

      For example, a clean kitchen is very important to me. I don't like things left out on the counters or dishes left lying around the house to get all yucky and gross. So my hubby is very good about wiping down the counters (if he makes something) and putting things away (such as spices or food or whatever if he made something) and putting his dishes in the dishwasher.

      But there are some things that he struggles with and those are times that I will have to give grace, and choose to let go or take care of in order to have the peace and love in my marriage that you mentioned!

      Of course, it's still a process and he tries and I try and we work through it!

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  11. I can't believe another week has flown by. Thanks for hosting every week. Best wishes, Darlene

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    1. Darlene, I know!!!!! It's spring and is nearly summer. I can't believe it either but I was ready for the winter to end. Not that it was a rough one, I just get tired of the cold and dreary weather.

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  12. Thank you for hosting MYHSM and for the wonderful advice you post here! This post is a gem!

    I don't know if you've already done this, but I want to tag you for the Liebster Award. It's like a chain letter, but it is fun and it helps drive traffic to smallish blogs. If you're interested, I've posted the guidelines here:

    http://trialanderrorhomeec.blogspot.com/2014/04/liebster-award.html

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    1. Thank you for thinking of me! That's very sweet of you! :)

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  13. I don't comment on blogs often, but I want to comment on this one. I definitely agree with you! And this comment is coming from a thirty something career woman with a brick and mortar corner office, who is also a wife and mother, so I very doubt that the lady who commented will call me "unempowered, unmodern woman". I think some women misconstrue modern with indifferent, bossy and agressive, which is not true at all.

    Also, why repeat the mistake of Eve who coveted one tree and in the process abandoning the whole Garden of Eden? Picking up socks (and in my case many other things) does not equal the whole marriage. ^__^

    Visit me:
    LeeAnne, Style N Season
    http://stylenseason.blogspot.com

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    1. "I think some women misconstrue modern with indifferent, bossy and aggressive, which is not true at all."
      Well said!

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    2. Thank you, LeeAnne, for your wise words! You're right, no one would call you unempowered or unmodern!

      Love this: "I think some women misconstrue modern with indifferent, bossy and aggressive, which is not true at all," and I think you're right. An empowered woman just knows who she is and knows her purpose - she is God's woman and she seeks to serve her family in love. As you said, picking up socks isn't the whole marriage! ;)

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  14. Words of wisdom. Thanks for the encouragement for those of us who see it the way you do.

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    1. Thank you, Melissa! I appreciate you stopping by today!

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  15. Very wise way to handle what I like to call a "Mommy Blog Troll". Some people like to hide behind the internet to malign other people's choices- I recently wrote a post about this very issue. I wish women would spend as much effort building each other up as they do tearing each other down. Thanks for your perspective!

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    1. Yes, me too. Some people need to learn and understand that it's o.k. if other people don't share their opinions. They need to learn how to share their OWN opinions without being rude to the other person in the process.

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  16. Excellent post! It always breaks my heart when others see loving service as a disgrace. I had a friend who used to gripe and complain all the time about picking up her husband's laundry. Then he passed away suddenly. After that, for years, whenever she passed the hamper she would cry a little remembering how foolish her complaint was. And saying how great it would be to put away his dirty clothes just to have him back.

    Thanks for hosting, dear friend. How exciting that your link-up is growing!!

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    1. Oh, that is so sad! I've had a couple of friends who have lost their husbands (and/or children) at a young age. I think it helps to keep a perspective. Thank you for stopping by and for your sweet words! Yes, I am very blessed by all who link up here! :)

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  17. What a fantastic post! There are so many women out there (and I used to be one of them) who feel they have to exert their "rights" at the expense of emasculating their husbands or choosing to be griping, naggy, and dissatisfied. When we choose to use humor, or serve in love, or even let it go we are truly taking steps towards the marriage that WILL bring the joy and satisfaction we desire. Thanks for being proactive and reminding wives that its not about winning the battle, it's about being teammates in our marriage.

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    1. I absolutely LOVEEEEEE your name, Summer! Such a lovely name!

      Such a wise comment and you are so right, the complaining, nagging and throwing fits is NOT going to bring us the joy in marriage that we desire. I love what you said about being teammates!

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  18. Love your post! You are SO right and many marriages would benefit if we as women chose to be blessings! Way to stand up for truth!

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    1. Thank you, my friend! I just appreciate your comment so much and the support and all the other comments as well. I love hearing for you all! :)

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  19. Love this post. I think its silly to argue over little things. I have a very happy marriage for 20 years now and I pick up after my husband all the time. But there are things he does for me too that bother him. You just have to stop and think "Is this worth nagging about?" It takes 2 seconds to pick up a pair socks but and argument can hurt you for days. Now im gonna link up. Thanks.

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    1. I love what you said here: "It takes 2 seconds to pick up a pair socks but an argument can hurt you for days." That is so true, my friend!

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  20. Absolutely love this post! My question for the feminist who claims that picking up after your husband is mothering him, isn't telling him what to do mothering him also. Marriage isn't 50/50 it's 100/100 and it's not so much give and take as it is give! What a blessing it is to serve our families in our homes. Again great post!!

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    1. Thank you, my friend! You nailed it right on the head! If I'm too busy wondering what I can get out of my marriage then I am too busy to figure out what I can GIVE to my marriage!

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  21. Marriage (well, any relationship for that matter) involves surrendering our rights - and when we learn this, we will have deeper relationships that involve quality giving and receiving. When we guard our rights with rifle in hand so that no one treads on them, we will be lonely, bitter, and miserable. Your posts are always so inspiring and uplifting.

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  22. I think marriage is a challenge and for most of us dont realize that, there are times when it feels like one person adds more to the relationship than the other. Your message is spot on, thanks for sharing very inspiring!

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  23. I think your response was excellent.

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  24. I like this sentence from your post:

    I would rather empower you with the knowledge that when you serve your husband in love, you are serving the Lord. Let me tell you, that is POWER.

    Before reading that, I had already decided to commment and say that what you are doing and teaching truly EMPOWERS women, because it enables them to live a life FREE from anger, contention, bitterness, and failed relationships.

    Thank you for your boldness in teaching the truth and in responding gracioiusly to your critics!!

    I appreciate you linking this up for Marriage Monday!

    ~Elizabeth

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