Sunday, November 10, 2013

Fighting Vs. Communicating

Making your home sing Mondays

Welcome to the Making Your Home Sing Monday linky party! Every day you are doing something to make your house into a home for yourself and your family (if you have one). 

My point with each Monday post is, what are YOU doing or going to do today to make your home sing?  It can be an attitude or an action. So have fun, do some blog hopping, and link up!  Thanks!

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Note:  We had 78 linkups last week!  You guys are awesome!  Don't forget to visit one another and try to leave a comment on at least one blog to encourage someone today!  :)  

On the left sidebar (down towards the bottom) is the "Making Your Home Sing! Monday" button which you are welcome to grab and paste if you want but it's not a requirement.  It is a "no-follow" button.

It was a huge fight.  I don't even remember what it was about anymore, it was too long ago.  We were newlyweds.

But what I DO remember is that, in the middle of it, I said something hurtful to my husband.  I remember knowing that it hurt him, and I didn't care.

I had wrapped my anger around me like a blanket and I was determined to win this argument at all costs. Even if I had to hurt my husband to do it.  Winning was what was important, not my husband and not my marriage.

Sometimes we tend to think of an argument or a fight as something that must be won.  We forget about the issues we were discussing, the goals we might want to reach together, and start focusing on you did this, and you never do that, and you always.....

Pretty soon we are no longer discussing the issue at hand.  We are no longer communicating.  We are fighting.  And that night?  I was determined to win.

How can we look at the one we love, the one whose heart is knit with ours, and not care that they're hurting?

How can we say words that hurt, words that crush, and words that cannot ever be taken back, and not care?

There is fighting and there is communicating.......

Fighting is expressing your anger, communicating is expressing your thoughts and feelings.
Fighting is seeking to win, communicating is seeking to understand.
Fighting escalates, communicating facilitates.
Fighting hurts, communicating heals.

That night I had hardened my heart against my husband and I was hardening my heart against God.  That night was ALSO the night that God showed me my heart, and I didn't like what I saw.

That night I realized that winning wasn't important.  My husband was.  That night I remembered that marriage isn't "me."  It's "we."

That night I asked for God's forgiveness and my husband's forgiveness for my selfishness and hurtful words. I would have lost far more than I ever could have gained that night, had the Lord not turned me around.  What a gracious, loving God we have and what a precious, patient husband I have!

Some people like to say that fighting is healthy in a marriage.  I like to think that communication is healthy in a marriage.  Fighting is nothing until you get to the communication part.  Otherwise it's just conflict with no resolution.

When you look up the word communication, it uses the word "to share" to describe it.  Sharing information about feelings, thoughts, needs and desires, etc.

When you look up the word fight in the dictionary, it uses the word "angry" to describe it.  Angry arguing, angry conflict, etc.

But I also noticed that the dictionary describes fighting as gaining something by a struggle, or struggling to endure or overcome.

When we make communication important and stick to the issue at hand, when we fight to communicate and fight for our marriage, we are fighting a good fight.  We are fighting a fair fight.  We are fighting so that we both win.....together.

Now that's a thing worth fighting for!

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  1. You've made a great distinction, Nan. We don't need to fear conflict when make efforts to communicate and resolve rather than fight to win. My husband and I did not learn this distinction until about 10 years into our marriage. It's made a huge difference--being for each other rather than against each other. I also love your statement about it's not me, but "we."

    1. Thank you for your sweet comment, my friend! The important thing is that you DID learn it! My hubby and I had to learn it too!

  2. This is such a good point. Where was this post a zillion years ago when I was a newlywed? Anyhow, thanks so much!!

    1. Well, I couldn't have written it a zillion years ago as I wasn't married yet, lol! ;)

  3. You write the best posts. I come to join your blog carnival each Monday and never leave without getting something really meaningful from your post. Great article.. and thanks for hosting the linky.

    1. Awww, thank you, Judee! I'm so glad you link up each week! :)

  4. What great words, Nan. And I can so relate to your "I didn't care" attitude, I am ashamed to say. Yours are words worth passing on. I will be sharing this on the Longings End Facebook page today. Hope you get a chance to stop by...Thanks.

    1. Thank you for sharing this post, Sheila. That is so sweet of you! I'm glad it blessed you today.

  5. Thanks for your wisdom and honesty in sharing, Nan. You always refresh and encourage me in my home. Blessings!

  6. Wow you've grown! COngrats on the many linkys! I have dropped out of blogging on my own page but doing the fitness blog much more. I find it exauhsting now to think of blog topics and can't get on my desktop to write. At any rate, the topic of your post this week got my attention right away. I have bleeding way too much fighting and to enough communicating. Praying for more communicating. Learning from this post . Thanks so much. Great ideas. Now I need to get the how to's down.

    1. Hi Dani Joy! I totally understand. It can be difficult to find the time to blog and I struggle with that myself. I imagine we all do! Thanks so much for stopping by and for your sweet words!

  7. It is always a good thing to remember that people matter most. It is a terrible thing when we hurt the people we love...we have all done it, too. Thank the Lord for forgiveness!

    :) Hope


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