Friday, December 7, 2012

Why I Have Ugly Nails

The nails in this picture are NOT press on nails.  They aren't my ugly nails either. I was afraid to take a picture of my ugly nails for fear of frightening the children.

This is so ridiculous that I have to tell you what I attempted a couple of days ago. I meant well. I'll explain.

I have ugly nails. They are thin and they break, and I have no idea how to file or shape them. I set out to try to shape them and pretty soon I have the strangest looking nail you've ever seen. I accidentally file the sides too sharply and then it's one big pointy nail. Then I end up cutting it so what was the point? Hahaha. Get it, "the point?" Get it? Hehehe. Never mind.

O.k., so I know my limitations. But I decided I wanted to have pretty nails. However, I am too cheap to go to the nail shop and pay to get them done every few weeks. I did consider asking several people to sponsor me, but thought that might be a bit much. Even for me.

So one day I was at the store and bought some press-on nails. Yes I did. Stop laughing. I really did. I just was in the mood to try it. After all, how hard could it be? Glue and press. Glue and press. A child could do it. So could I.

I didn't try them then but just set them aside. Then last Sunday, before church, I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to put on the fake nails. So I sanded my nails a bit and glued those suckers on my right hand. After I did that I discovered that I hated them. All five of them. There was no way I was gluing the rest of them on the other hand.

They looked like long red claws. Or talons. Not only that, I couldn't do a thing with them! They didn't look that long when I was applying them though. I think they grew while on my fingers. So I walked around with them, trying to "live" with them, and decided I couldn't stand them and they needed to come off. The only thing was I had no idea how to do it, and I was starting to panic because I had to leave for church soon.

I googled it (have you ever tried to type with nails that feel like they are five feet long?) and wound up taking cotton balls dipped in acetone (thankfully I had some), stuck one on each nail, and then wrapped aluminum foil around each finger and let it soak. It looked ridiculous! However, my t.v. reception improved immensely.

To top it off, I suddenly remembered I hadn't eaten yet. I managed to fix myself some food and eat it, all with one hand. I didn't want to use the other hand as I didn't want acetone dripping in my food.

Finally, it was getting down to when I had to leave. My family had all left before I glued the nails on and had no idea of my dilemma. That's good because their laughter wouldn't have helped anyway.

I still hadn't changed my clothes or fixed my hair yet, the nails wouldn't come off, and I strongly felt that people might notice my aluminum foiled fingers. I stood there wondering what to do, madly thinking and praying with each breath.

I took a minute or two, asking myself what possessed me to glue claws on my hand right before I had to leave for church. At this point, I was considering my options. At first I figured I would just go to church with my bright red claw hand, and one normal hand and hoped noone would notice. Yeah, right.

However, I do not have the personality to do that. I found it hysterically funny (though frustrating) and I knew that I would have to point out my faux paux to practically everyone and show them my claw hand and normal hand. Then everyone would know because I couldn't help telling them. I'm weird that way.

Then I thought maybe I could cut the claw hand down, so they wouldn't quite look like talons. Then, I would just have one fake hand with bright red polish and one normal hand with no polish. I could set a new trend! I had one desperate thought of wearing my gloves for the entire service, or at least one glove (channeling early-Michael Jackson). I even thought of wrapping bandaids around each finger.

Finally I grabbed a nail file, removed the cotton and aluminum foil and tried to pry them off....saying/praying under my breath "Please God let them come off. What was I thinking? Please let them come off. I must have been out of my mind. Please let them come off. What was I thinking?"

You'll be happy to know that with a little poking, prodding, praying and a little pain they came off. I stand before you with ugly nails. One hand looks normal ugly, and one hand looks strange-ugly. Oh well. What else is new?

(Note: This post is from my archives as I am on vacation this week!)

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  1. We must be twins! Despite a healthy diet, my nails break all the time, I can't file them properly and I've gone down the fake nail path only to find myself desperately soaking in acetone, scraping ,snipping and prodding to get them off!
    At least I'm not alone x

  2. I have the worst nails! They break all the time. They are short, stubby and one is almost always jagged, because I can't keep up with the filing. I never try to paint them, because it just chips five minutes later. Years ago I got a set of acrylic nails at the salon, but I couldn't go anything with them on. I've resigned myself to living with ugly nails. It could be worse, right?

  3. Too funny! I would be laughing to myself as well.
    I just can't justify a nail salon, either. Plus I work too hard with my hands to maintain a manicure!


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