Hello and welcome to "Cooking with Mom's The Word." I'm glad you're here!
The first thing you want to do is to decide at the last minute that you want to make homemade tortillas. Now, you have never made tortillas in your life, and matter of fact, you already have some store bought ones on hand.
However, none of this matters now. Suddenly, making tortillas is more important to you than getting that last donut or beating your dog to the comfy chair.
Make sure that you have all your supplies. If you don't, go beg some from your mother, your neighbor, the five year old down the street, or the local grocery store. By all means, don't be organized because that will take all the fun and suspense out of it.
After you add in all the ingredients, cut in the shortening. Please note that you do not need scissors when you cut the shortening. You also don't need to go to Cosmetology school to learn how to do it, so hang up the phone and pay attention.
First, stop glaring at the dough and realize that it's what's inside that counts, just like your mother always assured you. Tell yourself that not every dough can be Miss Dough America. Somebody has to be the runner up. Not only that, the Dough has to start somewhere and behind every great Dough is a surprised woman, so just smile though your heart is aching.
Next, divide the dough into two pieces, and then divide it some more. Be glad that you are finally able to use your Math skills and realize that all your years of studying hard in school have finally culminated in this moment. Cry. Realize that you also can't figure out how to work the word curmudgeon into this post. Cry again, but don't get the dough wet.
Try to roll out a perfect circle and instead tell yourself that you decided to make it look like the Pac-Man game. After all, you can never have to much Pac-Man. Sadly remind yourself that rolling out dough is a privilege, not a right.
Decide to start preparing dinner and begin defrosting the ground turkey in a pan. After all, it's not like you have anything else to do at the moment.
While you're rolling out the dough, be sure and accidentally spill water all over the counter. Make sure that some of it gets in the dough and all over the floor as well. You can never have to much water and the floor probably needed to be mopped anyway, and what better time to do it than while you're making dinner?
While you're at it, drop a carton of cottage cheese all over the floor. Make everyone wonder why you had a carton of cottage cheese in your hand when you're supposed to be making tortillas. Take a picture for your blog and make sure that your foot appears in the picture, so that everyone can see your new pedicure.
Have another try at rolling out the tortilla, only this time try to make it a profile of a man with a very round head and small nose. Pretend you planned it that way. Burn one or two tortillas because you're to busy browning the meat for dinner and cleaning up the floor.
When you put the tortilla in the frying pan forget to take a picture for your blog. Also drop the spatula on the floor so that the dog can lick it. That will add lots of flavor and help your family to develop an immunity to dog germs.
Put the finished tortillas in a freezer bag and tell yourself rather snarkily that anybody can buy a tortilla but not everyone can make one. Wonder if snarkily is a word. Look it up on google.
Be to embarrassed to put a link to the recipe you used for fear of retribution from the author. Promise yourself you'll do better next time. Go look up a recipe for bagels.