Tuesday, March 31, 2009


This is so ridiculous that I have to tell you what I attempted a couple of days ago. I meant well. I'll explain.

I have ugly nails. They are thin and they break, and I have no idea how to file or shape them. I set out to try to shape them and pretty soon I have the strangest looking nail you've ever seen. I accidentally file the sides too sharply and then it's one big pointy nail. Then I end up cutting it so what was the point? Hahaha. Get it, "the point?" Get it? Hehehe. Never mind.

O.k., so I know my limitations. But I decided I wanted to have pretty nails. However, I am to cheap to go to the nail shop and pay to get them done every few weeks. I did consider asking several people to sponsor me, but thought that might be a bit much. Even for me.

So one day I was at the store and bought some press-on nails. Yes I did. Stop laughing. I really did. I just was in the mood to try it. After all, how hard could it be? Glue and press. Glue and press. A child could do it. So could I.

I didn't try them then but just set them aside. Then last Sunday, before church, I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to put on the fake nails. So I sanded my nails a bit and glued those suckers on my right hand. After I did that I discovered that I hated them. All five of them. There was no way I was gluing the rest of them on the other hand.

They looked like long red claws. Or talons. Not only that, I couldn't do a thing with them! They didn't look that long when I was applying them though. I think they grew while on my fingers. So I walked around with them, trying to "live" with them, and decided I couldn't stand them and they needed to come off. The only thing was I had no idea how to do it, and I was starting to panic because I had to leave for church soon.

I googled it (have you ever tried to type with nails that feel like they are five feet long?) and wound up taking cotton balls dipped in acetone (thankfully I had some), stuck one on each nail, and then wrapped aluminum foil around each finger and let it soak. It looked ridiculous! However, my t.v. reception improved immensely.

To top it off, I suddenly remembered I hadn't eaten yet. I managed to fix myself some food and eat it, all with one hand. I didn't want to use the other hand as I didn't want acetone dripping in my food.

Finally, it was getting down to when I had to leave. My family had all left before I glued the nails on and had no idea of my dilemma. That's good because their laughter wouldn't have helped anyway.

I still hadn't changed my clothes or fixed my hair yet, the nails wouldn't come off, and I strongly felt that people might notice my aluminum foiled fingers. I stood there wondering what to do, madly thinking and praying with each breath.

I took a minute or two, asking myself what possessed me to glue claws on my hand right before I had to leave for church. At this point, I was considering my options. At first I figured I would just go to church with my bright red claw hand, and one normal hand and hoped noone would notice. Yeah, right.

However, I do not have the personality to do that. I found it hysterically funny (though frustrating) and I knew that I would have to point out my faux paux to practically everyone and show them my claw hand and normal hand. Then everyone would know because I couldn't help telling them. I'm wierd that way.

Then I thought maybe I could cut the claw hand down, so they wouldn't quite look like talons. Then, I would just have one fake hand with bright red polish and one normal hand with no polish. I could set a new trend! I had one desperate thought of wearing my gloves for the entire service, or at least one glove (channeling early-Michael Jackson). I even thought of wrapping bandaids around each finger.

Finally I grabbed a nail file, removed the cotton and aluminum foil and tried to pry them off....saying/praying under my breath "Please God let them come off. What was I thinking? Please let them come off. I must have been out of my mind. Please let them come off. What was I thinking?"

You'll be happy to know that with a little poking, prodding, praying and a little pain they came off. I stand before you with ugly nails. One hand looks normal ugly, and one hand looks strange-ugly. Oh well. What else is new?


  1. LOL..oh that would have been a great story for your friends at church!! I've never tried the press on nails but for awhile I was getting the fake acrylic. And that's exactly how they looked on me, fake!!

  2. Years from now, you'll be laughing and telling your grandchildren about this.


    Twitter: AboutParenting

  3. I have ugly nails too! I learnt how to "do" them a bit better when we had a shop next to a beauticians (and the owner was a customer). They asked if I wanted to have my nails done free so some of the girls could train. I got to sit through the training and learn how to do my nails for free and get a free set of acrylics out of it too. So find yourself a beauty school and find out where they advertise for models. I also got some free hair cuts that way so you might even be able to get that "mum hair" looked at for free too :)

  4. I am sitting here trying to stop the mascara from running down my race! I am laughing with you not at you!!!! Been there and done that!! The people who make those things should be ashamed!!! I am so glad you were able to get them off and still have nail beds left!! Thanks for sharing your story... I needed a good laugh!

  5. too funny! Just roll your hands up in a ball and sit on them now. That´s what I do.

    Thanks for your tip on the body storing fat. I really thought about it and decided that´s what it must have been doing. So thus relaxed a lot. and now it´s stickin to the routine till our trip.

    I am sorry I did not get to do a MYHS post. I really wanted to. Had the pictures and everything. but well, we had company.

    I don´t even know if I will get to post anything today.

  6. ROFL!!! ONLY YOU! Who else would experiment on a Sunday morning! IF you buy more press on nails -- at least get the french tips -- not the red talons. lol

  7. LOL. I think we've all tried those hideous colored nails. I guess we all have to experiment. Next time try it closer to Halloween, everyone will just think you were trying out a great costume. And maybe you'll get invited to a fabulous Halloween Ball because they are curious of your great costume;).
    I decided never to wear fake nails when I seen somebody actually have mold under one of their professionally done fake nails.....eeeewwwww!

  8. What I love about your posts is how real they are!! I'm sitting here cracking up because most of the time I have lived or am living what you're posting about!! My DD is a natural at cutting, dyeing and styling hair. She's also a natural at doing the whole fake nail thing and wears them quite often. They look good on her. Once she convinced me to let her do my nails for my anniversary. DH and I were going out and that was her contribution to making me beautiful. Well, like you, eating and doing pretty much anything else was pretty much impossible. Not to mention that everything I touched I dropped and trying to pick up something off the floor with those 'talons' on your hands is impossible and hysterical to those watching you!!!
    Have a super blessed day my friend!!

  9. LOL...I have done this too. I just keep mine trimmed and occasionally paint them...my days of long nails are long gone.

    Thanks for sharing...I love your sense of humor.

    Have a blessed day!

  10. That is so funny! I can only imagine how crazy you looked with aluminum foil around each finger! haha Thanks for giving me a laugh for the day! :) Lana

  11. Now that is funny! I have done things like this before, so don't worry, you are not alone! I went and had my nails done recently because I felt like my hands were looking old and tired. You should go and get a manicure for spring! :0)

  12. OH.My.Gosh! Thanks for making me laugh this morning. LOL
    I wish you has a picture of your foil covered nails! LOL

    ps I have no clue how to do nails either and my teenage daughters tell me my nails are "ugly". Oh well...

  13. LOL....I took a course last summer and became a nail tech.. I flatly refuse to put claws on my clients. (I work from home doing gel nails on a few select women) I make them short enough to be natural, but pretty!
    I have had hell experiences with the press on nails too....and I wear contact lenses!

  14. Hilarious story. what to do with ugly nails... just keep them busy. It's just ladies who sit around all day who have those long fingernails.. (I think?) I've never tried it either.

  15. I found your blog. mwahahahaha. you know, we should have a nail day some time after church. i'll give you a manicure and then you can blog about the pretty nails you got from your favorite person in the whole wide world (that's me in case you forgot) :-P

  16. I am so sorry!! But, it is quite humorous... That is definitely something that I would have done!! I have horribly ugly hands and even in my mid-30s can't stop biting them. ugh! I am glad you were able to get them off!


  17. Many, many years ago, I had the press-on fake nails. I was trying to have a romantic evening with my then boyfriend. Made a good meal. Flowers. Candlelight. Tried to light a fire in the fireplace. You guessed it...the nails caught on fire. Fortunately they were long enough that no damage was done to my fingers before I could blow them out. The smell was in the house for days. An awful, awful smell. See? It could have been worse! LOL

  18. Oh my goodness, that is so funny I almost wet my pants!

    Totally something I would do. Totally. I have ugly nails too, mostly because I can't be bothered to do anything with them, and I have a tendency to pick at my cuticles, which certainly doesn't help matters.

    I would have wrapped the red talon hand in an ace bandage and pretended that I had a sprained wrist.

    That's what Erma Bombeck did when the washing machine ate one of each pair of her kids' socks (remember how she always joked about that?) She just wrapped the sockless foot in a bandage and told them to pretend they had an injury :)

  19. Oh how funny! My goodness, it's been years since I tried press on nails. It was a bad enough experience then that I don't think I'd make that mistake again. :)

  20. rofl sorry to laugh but I have had that happen before a date looooooooooooooooooong ago rofl

  21. Having just read this today, I think I will stick to my natural nails...I have heard horror stories about fake nails, plus I work as a janitor! Thanks for sharing!

    1. I can see why all that cleaning would be hard on your nails. When I had my fake nails it was hard to clean with them. I was always jamming them when I reached for stuff, lol!


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