Sunday, January 3, 2010

MAKING YOUR HOME SING: HUSBAND BASHING

Making your home sing Mondays

Welcome to the Making Your Home Sing Monday meme! Every day you are doing something to make your house into a home for yourself and your family (if you have one). My point with each Monday post is, what are you doing or going to do today to make your home sing?

It can be an attitude or an action. Motivation, our attitude, baking, encouraging our husband or children (if we have either one), organization, cleaning, saving money....the opportunities are endless.

How safe is your husband's reputation with you? How safe are your childrens' reputations? When you are upset or annoyed, do you tell your friends the latest "stupid" thing that your husband did? Do you entertain your friends or co-workers with juicy details of your latest fight, relishing in the support and the justification that they give you?

Can you hardly wait to call and tell them what your husband did now? What your children did now? Do you feel an eagerness within your spirit to see them cast in a bad light so that you look better, or so that people realize what you "have to put up with?"

Prov. 31:11 & 12 says "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."

He trusts in her. He knows that she will be a help to him, not hinder him. His heart is safe with her, his reputation is safe with her.

Can our husbands trust in us to use discretion? To be supportive and build them up, not tear them down in public as well as in private? Can our children trust that we won't make them look bad by sharing their most embarrassing or negative moments with our friends or on our blogs? Do we post things on our blogs about someone that we would never want that person to read? Do we use our blogs to blow off steam and air things that should be kept private?

If you're upset with your husband, does everybody know about it? If you're out and he annoys or irritates you, do you "have it out" right there, whether people are listening or not? Do you tell your husband's faults (or children's) to anyone who will listen? Do you involve your children in your arguments with your husband?

You only have to have a fight and look at your childrens' faces to see how they feel about it. It scares and confuses them. They cannot see the difference between a little "tiff" and a knock down drag out fight. To them, it's all the same.

Do you have trouble leaving your parents emotionally? Do you still call them and complain about your husband's words or actions?

Long after your anger is gone and you and hubby have "made up," the person you involved, whether it is your child or your parent or friend, is often still stewing about it. They don't have the closure that you've had, so they will often feel upset with your spouse, on your behalf, long after you've moved on.

There is a fine line here. Some women are in difficult or abusive marriages and they need support. I am not talking about this. I am talking about the habit of husband bashing and complaining, which I did my fair share of early in our marriage. I know that I blew many a situation out of proportion by inferring wrong motives on my husband, or putting words into his mouth that he didn't say.

Communicate your feelings to your husband, not someone else. Let it be over when it's over. Don't add fuel to the fire by picking up the phone and bringing it back up again.

When we are tempted to share our disagreements, perhaps we should ask ourselves what is our purpose in sharing? What do we hope to get out of it? Validation? Agreement that he is in the wrong? Pity? Justification? Support?

What was our part in the situation? How did we respond back? Were our actions fair? Supportive? Loving? Remember, we are responsible to the Lord for our own actions. Let me remind you that I write this for myself too. I need to hear this as much as the next person.

Set boundaries on what you'll share, both in person and on your blog. For example, I always ask my husband and childrens' permission before I share things about them on my blog, and I ask my husband to read every post that he's mentioned in, including this one. Setting boundaries is one way I'll make my home sing this week!

What are you doing or going to do today to make your home sing? Please go here for instructions and/or ideas and come back here to link up to join us today! Please do not put your own Making Your Home Sing Monday Linky on your blog. As always, please don't forget to link to this post. Also, please don't forgot to leave me a comment!

32 comments:

  1. Oh, Nan, how important this is! I, too, have done my share of bashing and even though my husband would say he deserved it sometimes, I still shouldn't have done it. Great post. Thank you so much for writing it.

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  2. How convicting Nan! I really needed to read this after having two fulls weeks of him being home for the Holidays. Bless you for being God's messenger this evening!

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  3. Found it, Nan. =0)

    Great post. I am 'that wife' who was on the other end... needed to speak out yet remained silent for way too long. I think my silence actually became an enabler to my husband's addiction. My own embarrassment kept me quiet, I think. I think everyone woman needs a confidante who is spiritually wise who they can vent to and who can give them sound advice. My mom is that to me, however... I didn't even trust her with it til the very end.

    *sigh*

    I was an extremist... the wrong way.

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  4. I am very, very careful about the way I speak of my family. Especially my husband, Satan is the Prince of the Power of the air, and oh boy how all that 'stuff' you put out there affects your relationship!!! GREAT POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  5. That was very much needed. Thank you for sharing. I will set better boundaries.
    Hugs,
    Mimi

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  6. I actually have a post set for Tuesday, dedicated to my husband. They need to know how much they are appreciated...how much they mean to us.

    I agree that we have to be VERY careful about what we share with others. We do all need a person maybe we can vent with, or that we can trust that we can talk too. It seems woman need that more...I have ONE...she is a dear friend, but I have appreciated the times where she has told me that I am wrong. That a GREAT friend.

    Thanks for this post Nan..so thought provoking.

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  7. While I do have my online diary (which is a "friends only" type diary, and not just anyone can read it) where I do my whining/complaining about the things in my life when I need to, I've always been very careful not to do it publically. Greg's first wife was BAD about bashing him to his face, to those around them, and behind his back. I let him know early on that I was not that kind of person, and over the years he has seen that about me and been appreciative of that fact. I don't do it with my ex either. Like I said, my closest friends may know when I'm upset, but that's what friends are for, but not everyone needs to know our "dirty laundry".
    GREAT POST!

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  8. Thanks for this post. I think I needed the reminder. I don't do this often about my husband, but probably too often about my children. Not on my blog, except in fun and if they asked me not to put it I'd probably listen. Hubby reads most of my blogs and always if I'm not completely sure about something I've put I ask him to check me out. But I need to remember when I'm aggravated with my kids about something to be more careful about talking to my friends at work about it. Thank you for sharing.

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  9. Great post! My husband also reads my blogs before I post them. He works as a good censor for me. We're pretty open but believe it's not appropriate to share when we are upset. I am guilty of sharing with my BF in the past but have since tried to handle things between us and only us.

    I am amazed at what some women say on social networking sites whether it is blogs or facebook. I just want to reach out and tell them to think before they type! Once it's out there you can't take it back!

    Thanks for the good words!

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  10. Beautiful post my friend. I am always edifying my husband because as his wife it is my duty. And since I have THE most fabulous husband in the world, it isn't hard! LOL! ( See how good I am at it!) LOL!

    But I do agree that you shouldn't say negative things because you're right, those people won't have the closure you have and the thoughts will always remain.

    Big hugs to you my friend.
    Kim

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  11. I read the title of your post and moaned, "oh, man, she's fixing to get me today"...great post and definitely something I need to be working on, since this has kind of been a tough week.

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  12. this is something I have always tried hard not to do, putting my hubby down in front of others. Yet, it sometimes can be hard when hurt feelings are involved and you want to vent a little. SAdly we are all imperfect people, whose only hope in life is the grace given by the Almighty. thanks for the reminder...

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  13. Excellent post! I agree, it is so important!

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  14. My husband and I were just talking about this last night! Thank you for the reminder and insight.....I needed this!
    Tress

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  15. You speak such Truth with this Nan.....I am guilty of "venting" to my best girlfriend when my hubby and I have a tiff. Thanks for the gentle reminder of how God wants us to be.

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  16. Thank you for the reminder. It's important to keep in mind that trust is easily broken and hard to regain. A blessing in my morning reading!

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  17. Very well said - and such an important reminder! How easy it can be to take God's admonitions on how to treat others to heart.....except for when it comes to those we are closest to! I feel strongly about honoring our husbands in how we speak to others about them....

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  18. thanks girl...I needed that one!

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  19. That was a wondeful post. I had to learn that lesson the hard way during mine and hubby's first years of marriage. Thank you for the reminder to set boundaries.

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  20. Hey Nan! Wanted to stop by and thank you for leaving a comment on my blog regarding my daughters miracle. God is so Good!!

    Great wisdom in your post today! I've been married for 33 years and if there is one thing I know it is to honor my husband and pray for him daily!

    Sweet Blessings!
    Jackie

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  21. This post was so great, I had to call my mom and sister and read it to them.

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  22. What a timely reminder to all of us. In addition, we should be building strong walls around our families to keep them safe from all the world sets out there to destroy. We need to keep our foundations strong with God and lift them up in prayer daily.

    Once we start inviting people in to our personal affairs those walls we set up to protect us, now have walled in people who don't need to be there.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

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  23. What an important post. My SIL used to do this to me about my brother...it is a heartbreaking thing! She would complain about anything he did to anyone. Until one day she up and left him with nothing but the clothes on his back. Since then, he has had many people, mainly women apologize to him for thinking bad things of him that were never true. This is a very ugly reality in many lives. Thanks so much for posting this.

    Blessings!
    Joyce Marie

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  24. This is a tough struggle for me - and a good reminder - thanks so much. I actually missed my husband today - He wasn't off for weeks at a time - but he was home much more in the past couple of weeks than he has been in awhile and I really liked it.

    And such a big deal for my kids, too. Good food for thought - i'm going to read it again. =)

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  25. "Long after your anger is gone and you and hubby have "made up," the person you involved, whether it is your child or your parent or friend, is often still stewing about it. They don't have the closure that you've had, so they will often feel upset with your spouse, on your behalf, long after you've moved on." This is such wisdom Nan!!! So many times, our intention on venting is to get someone to agree with us. but, then when we are over whatever we were venting over, we have made the ones we vented to still agreeing with our past opinions while we may have moved on. Most of the time, negative things can only be spoken and vented to the One who will never change His opinion of the person we are venting over.

    The other part of this post that overflows with wisdom is asking permission before posting any info on any person. That is just plain courtesy! I have not even thought to do that before. Thank you so much for "Nan's Wisdom" :)

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  26. Thank you for the reminder of this! I try so hard to honor my husband by not airing all of our dirty laundry to others. I hate it when we have GNO and everyone lays into their husbands or children. Its so disrespectful!

    I have so missed reading your posts. Taking a full time job has been the pits and my home definately does NOT sing on Mondays! Only 5 months left in the school year and then its home, home, home for good!

    Thanks for always encouraging me!!

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  27. Nan, this was a fabulous post. Now talk more about working for our children's reputations, too. I've struggled with this part of the issue as I've raised my oldest. As they separate from us and make decisions we don't necessarily support, it is difficult to remember that we support them, even when they're ignoring us!

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  28. It is so true that it is easy to get caught up in bashing when you are angry. I admit that I've done it. I've been trying to be more observant of it and not post about it even if I don't mention the exact child's name.

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  29. Nan, thank you for posting on this subject. I have to admit that I am guilty of talking to friends & family about my marriage a lot. Your post just gave me something to chew on about my actions. Thank you again. Hugz!

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  30. This is SUCH a great post! You really should share it again.

    My Mom used to always say, "When you talk bad about someone else, you just make YOURSELF look bad."

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    1. Anna, you have a very wise mom! Thanks for your sweet comment!

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